Journaling

It's really not my thing, but I am realizing its significance, and perhaps even importance.

Here is something I should have journaled about long ago. Something I wrote because I was asked to talk about it with my Bible study group next week.

Hi. Well I don’t know where to begin, really. Most of you guys don’t know me. I don’t attend Cross Bridge. Actually we are members of Bulverde Baptist Church in Bulverde. I’ve come to be involved with Cross Bridge’s Ladies Ministry through JoLynn Posey, who I went to high school with. That itself is just a blessing from God because we only moved here in May and JoLynn has been instrumental in helping me maintain a strong relationship with God in the midst of moving to a new town away from one you loved, a town your husband doesn’t work in for the entire spring and summer, and having my first kid start school this year. It was a crazy summer, and I was so glad to be a part of the summer series with Cross Bridge’s ladies because it was some of the only proof I had this summer that God was indeed in San Antonio too, not only just back home.

I really don’t even know where to start this story because it has been such a long story in the making. Well, at least for me it seemed long. I guess I’ll just start at the beginning. On New Year’s Eve of 2007…so the night before 2008…last January I was about 15 weeks pregnant with our third child. I began bleeding, and my husband and I went to the ER, being that it was New Year’s Eve. The ultrasound showed a perfectly formed little body complete with 10 toes and 10 fingers, but no heartbeat. I have to interject here that I have lived this charmed little life. I’ve never suffered through much of anything, so mourning, loss, depression, real suffering were all a VERY new concept to me. I didn’t even really know how to suffer, but I was about to learn. I did the regular questioning of God and begging for an answer to the WHY?? that I knew God MUST have for me. It was a very dark time for me, something I know has changed me forever in numerous ways. I was sad, I was angry, I felt VERY lost, and it was not something that ended after a short time. I’m sure anyone that has endured a miscarriage, especially one nearly half way into a pregnancy knows exactly how I must have felt.

So now I have to skip to the part of the story where I am here, involved in the David Study we did this summer. Now, through that study alone, I learned a lot, and God revealed many things to me, but I was still very much dealing with my miscarriage from the previous year. Partially it was because I wasn’t “over it” and mostly because I was pregnant again, just 13 weeks when we started, and struggling VERY much (as I continue to do) with just trusting God with this baby. I agonized over everything, though I tried very hard not to, and convince myself I wasn’t, I was, and I often still do. I refused to do anything other than just be pregnant. I didn’t wear maternity clothes until I absolutely HAD to. I continued to work out as though I had no physical limitations, and I made the extra room the guest room when we moved. I bought nothing, and didn’t consider buying anything. I stayed as disconnected as I possibly could, justifying that thinking that if I didn’t allow myself to get attached, I wouldn’t be as hurt when my hopes were stripped away. I just wouldn’t have any hope, then I couldn’t lose anything. I am sure I am not the only person who has been in that place.

ENTER BETH MOORE!

What a revelation through her words did God have for me and, though I don’t feel completely transformed, I am no longer afraid to have hope. To have hope that in a few weeks I will deliver a healthy baby girl!

So what did God reveal you might ask. Well this is the best part of the whole story. Beth talked a lot about devastation, and what it is like in the bottom of the pit of despair. She talked about the way God can redeem us from those circumstances if we are willing to be redeemed. Christians do one of two things when we enter a time of need or hurting. We turn to God or we turn away from God. And after my loss, I turned to God. I spent so much time in tearful prayer, mostly trying to understand the new concept of grief in faith. Whether I recognized it or not, at the time, my relationship with God was indeed growing. I felt deserted, but He was there, sustaining me all along. He never left me, and he filled my saddest moments with whatever I needed at the time. And looking back, especially, I can see that. About a week after my miscarriage, I lost the center stone in my engagement ring somewhere between Upward practice and home. Needless to say, I had quite a bit of perspective on the loss of a THING. If that had happened the weeks previous, I’m embarrased to think at how I may have reacted over the loss of just a THING.

As my relationship with God grew, something I probably wasn’t even acutely aware of the time, another drama began to unfold. My youngest son, then about 2.5, woke up one morning with a crossed eye. This began in early March of that year, so about 2 months later. We were in the Ped’s office that morning, who had us in the Ophthalmolgist’s office later, and then to a Radiologist later that day for an MRI. Sudden onset of eye crossing in a child of that age very often means brain tumor. And unfortunately for me, at the time, I knew that before we even went to the Ped’s office. Well, praise God, it wasn’t a brain tumor, and we went back and forth to Dr appts for 6 months with no explanation for the crossing, which never went away inspite of several different and exhausting therapies. About 5 months into it, our Dr suggested surgery, which would have to be on both his eyes at one time. We even took him to Oklahoma to see a Pediatric Neuro Opthlamologist who did a very thorough exam, and ultimately rec’d surgery. We went home and had surgery in September of last year. And I am happy to say that it was successful and even the problems that he had as a result of the crossed eye have resolved, which only do so about 50% of the time. We feel so blessed that his outcomes were as good as they get.

Now I know you are wondering how all of these event tie together. Well Beth tied it altogether for me. Something she talked about at length was about being IN a relationship with God. When a stranger calls you on the phone, you don’t recognize their voice because you don’t have a relationship with them. But when your best friend or your husband calls, they don’t even need to identify themselves. You talk to them all the time, you know their voice, so they can just start talking you’ll know who you are hearing. That is no different than our relationship with God. You could totally be going through the motions, doing all the things you know you are supposed to do and still not be in a relationship with God. Spending time in prayer, with God, talking to Him and opening yourself to his response and to His voice is being in a relationship with God. When you are in a relationship with Him, when you are talking to Him, depending upon Him, and pouring your soul over His words, you will recognize his voice when he speaks to you.

I finally understood what God was working out for me when I lost that baby last year. God used that circumstance to draw me into a deeper relationship with Him because he knew my future. He knew my son's future. He knew my response to losing a child, would be to turn to Him for the answers only He had. He knew that if I wasn’t in a deeper relationship with Him, I wouldn’t recognize His voice when my son desperately needed me to recognize his voice. We spent months praying and asking God for answers about how to treat our son. And when we decided to go ahead with a surgery that wasn’t guaranteed to work, I was CERTAIN it was God’s voice telling me that was the right decision. A voice I’m not certain I would have recognized distinctly if I’d not been drawn into a deeper relationship with God because of great suffering. This summer I finally understood that I had to lose that baby in order for God to use my grief and sorrow as a time to draw me to Himself. That sorrow lead me into such a close relationship with God that when He spoke to me, I knew His voice.

He also knew that I’d have that baby girl my heart so longed for, but that it would be in His time, not in mine. And the transformation from waiting on the impending doom and unending despair into hope and renewal came only a short time after God revealed all of this to me. From the beginning of this pregnancy, when I refused to have any hope, to now, living in Romans 5:3-5 which is sustaining me with only 11 weeks to go. Romans 5:3-5 says:… we^[c] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” (NIV)

Death of Ted Kennedy

Divine intervention? Maybe. Hopefully. Can I dare hope that the death of the last influential Kennedy means the death of this socialized medicine nonsense? That is probably taking it too far, but TK's death probably puts a stop to the bill passing in September, at least.

Between all the Micheal Jackson sympathizers and now this devastation at the death of a 40 year senate member who was about as liberal as they come and from a family of political leftists, I''m beginning to think the end is indeed near. The fear now is who will replace Mr. Kennedy? Perhaps someone even more liberal leaning? I shudder at the thought. \

At least, for now, I feel like I can breathe a bit of a sigh of relief over this supposed "health care reform" bill. I just don't think there will be enough liberal strong arming to pass it, now. Plus no TK to "bridge the gap." Let's get through September. All we need is the beginnings of socializing medicine right at the time H1N1 goes rampant. We'll all be standing in line to get our mandatory vaccines before ya know it!

Nothing New

I really have nothing new to post today. I feel like the beginning of the movie Groundhog Day, only I KNOW everyday will be Groundhog Day. I did manage a workout today, which seems to be getting fewer and further between. And we did go to the park and meet new people. Jaylan played with Brandon and I visited with Michelle. It's nice to have people actually at the park since Jaylan no longer has his little built in playmate. And that little boy was equally active and misbehaved as Jaylan, and the same age. They could TOTALLY be buds.

Now, I'm gearing up to take my glucose tolerance test. Such a ridiculous waste of time. You drink something sugary and awful tasting, then wait an hour and have your blood drawn to make sure you are processing sugars properly. I figure I'll use the time to go pre register and all at the hospital, because I refuse to sit and do nothing for an entire hour. JLynn says they won't let me leave. I say unless they chain me to the chair, I really don't forsee them stopping me. I just get so tired of Dr's offices thinking that a patient's time has absolutely no value. I was just reading an article in some MED magazine that my Dr's office was boasting they were in. I read the article and they went on and on about how they value the patient's time. This I read as I sit waiting for my Dr to come into the room and see me over an hour and a half passed my scheduled appointment time. The time before it was over 2 hours. And Jeremy wonders why my discontent with doctors only increases over time. I cannot even begin to fathom what it will be like should the gov't start controlling it. I have it pictured like trying to get your Social Security information at the SS office whilst coughing, sneezing, throwing up, crying, and/or barely able to stand. Oh, I personally can't wait for Obamacare (please read that as it drips with sarcasm). And on that note, I will stop. I really can't write another sentence about socialized medicine, or I think my head will explode.......really.

"We didn't learn anything!"

He was so upset on his first day because "Miss Powers didn't ask us any questions, you know like what is 1000 times 10. She didn't even ask us anything. We didn't even learn anything."

Convenient though he's learned nothing, he has all 7 class rules memorized, knows at least three classmate's names, what line the boys line up on, the girls too, how many basketball goals are in the "HUGE" gym, how to say good morning and good afternoon in Spanish, and that he definitely needs to buy his lunch, and ride the bus.....amongst a hundred other things I can't even remember.

So, the first day, apart from the THREE hours Jaylan and I spent in the car for drop off and pick up, were, apparently, wonderful!! I'm so glad he wants to go back. I had a little fear he'd say it was fun, but that he didn't want to go back. He is looking forward to tomorrow. I hope the staff at the school feels the same way!

Pics!

Here are some shots from Kaleb's first day of Kindergarten. I am really proud of my little man!

Missing tiny towns!

So I made it to drop of Kaleb. Traffic was insane. Really, I lived in Austin for 5 years, and I don't think I've ever been in traffic like this before. Bumper to bumper from basically our house to the school. I was shocked. The staff at school says it'll be like this the first week, but die down after that. I personally don't think they've considered the fact that their enrollment doubled from last year to this year. Time will tell. The bus gets here at 6:39am. Seems prudent to let him ride the bus if I have to leave the house at 6:45am to get him to school on time, no? Barf.

We've been home less than an hour and Jaylan has already asked me where Kaleb is, as if he wasn't with us when we dropped him off. I wonder what it is like in the brain of a three year old.

I'm so spent from the trip to take Kaleb, I think I'll take a nap. I'll probably wake up at 11am, just in time to leave the house to pick him up at 2:45pm. Yeah, did I mention we live 4.2 miles from the school? Barf. Luckily, however, next year, the school down the street will be open, and that is WELL within walking distance. Heck, I probably walked further after I got to the school this morning than I we will have to walk from home to school next year. I'm holding onto that, especially this week.

Kaleb wasn't worried about being late, and he was very excited to get there. A little worried about me because I cried a bit through the prayer we said after walking inside. He didn't say anything, but I saw the look on his little sweet face. He was very much looking forward to it and I am so glad! He walked right in and said hi to his teacher. That was all I saw before walking away. I feel like I'll miss so much now. That's silly, I know, but hey it is my first kid going to his first day of school. Isn't that how I am supposed to feel.

Now, to figure out what insane hour to leave to fetch him. Poor Jaylan may never get a nap!

The Eve of Kindergarten

I had great aspirations for starting these fantastic binder scrapbooks type things for each kid as they begin school. And, maybe, hopefully, doubtfully, I'll be super faithful and do that, still. Plus, you know, it is a great place for "the crap they make that you really don't want to keep, but can't bring yourself to just throw away." Most stuff I've no problem throwing away, but there are always a few special things that you'd like to keep, but you still have no idea where or for how long. So, hopefully tomorrow, I will get that started. I will not hold my breath, though, you shouldn't either. Baby books are just sad. My kids will forever wonder if their mother actually loved them. I will tell them that I was too busy ACTUALLY loving them that I just didn't have time to file away and tape, cute, glue, store, save........everything. I'm just so not into that....and I was busy loving them!

So Kaleb seems very ready for this new adventure. Of course he's been being prepared, at least, verbally for what seems like a really long time. And we've been on a school schedule for a couple of weeks now. I forced him to take a nap today, because he was sooo tired, and he proceeded to act like a maniac right up until bedtime. I've not asked him if he is nervous, he certainly doesn't seem so. I suppose I should ask, but he seems so ready. He asked me if I was just going to drop him off and he'll walk in himself to the library. I told him I thought I'd walk him in but just for a couple of days until he gets used to everything. That seemed fine to him.

Jaylan seems somewhat excited at the prospect of just he and I all day, though I've no idea why, really. Jeremy seems to think we'll be getting in all the learning he missed out on because he is the younger, ignored little brother. Everyone seems to have all these expectations. Everyone, but me of course. I live in the land of reality where Jaylan will just be bored with no playmate, won't really learn anything any different or faster simply because he's alone with Mommy, and life will continue mostly as normal. I mean, in only a few short months, normal will completely change all over again!

So, I'll go to bed tonight praying my Kaleb has a wonderful first day of school, though I already feel quite certain he will. His teacher, now I will be praying for her as well. Kaleb has really turned into such a blabbermouth lately (yes, he does take after his mother) and I worry that between being bored and talkative, he's in for an adjustment. His sensitive little soul won't take much berating over the "stop talking" issue. And the poor kid is going to be so bored, so quickly, I fear. I feel quite certain he'll have Kindergarten quite mastered very quickly. Jeremy has him doing more math than I remember doing before 5th grade! And he is very, very good at it. He's been BEGGING for us to teach him multiplication, and has even memorized a few of those. I have resisted the begging and temptation to help him much learning to read, so he at least will have to wade through that. The teacher's hand out from open house talks about how they will be learning to write and recognize their own names. I'm wondering what 5 year old can't do that by now. Even Jaylan can do that!! Inspite of all this, I am quite sure this child will absolutely love school. It is his mother that will struggle most for the next week or so. I will miss having a great little helper around all day, and a permanent playmate (for Jaylan, of course :) ).

So, tomorrow, we start a new. If you are a praying person, please pray for Kaleb and for Miss Powers too! And if you have a extra long prayer, pray for his Mommy as well!